** T H E S T U D E N T D I G E S T **
Contents:
---------
1. Great jobs at Victoria's Secret
2. Virus Warning!
3. Gwinn Construction Update!
4. Chapel Guest Speaker
5. Spring Matrimonial Guarantee
6. Crossing Bertona
7. SPRINT searching for Tacoma members!
8. Taking Food from Stearns
9. Marilyn Manson and Hole in Concert!
10. Picking Flowers
11. Classes Cancelled May 19th
12. Rusted Roots of the Ratio
13. DUI
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=================
#1
Subject: Great jobs at Victoria's Secret
Message:
Interested in working in modeling?
Victoria's Secret has two new openings to fill immediately. The first
is as a model, who will be posing for the production of their upcoming
catalogue. It's unpaid but you'll get great hands-on experience.
The second opportunity involves photography for the catalogue. The
position will be part time, with open scheduling from 3pm-2am Mon-Fri.
In order to qualify, a $50 down payment is required. For some reason,
the head of human resources at Victoria's Secret has expressed a
special interest in the men of Moyer for this position. Further
requirements include that the applicant spend a minimum of 60 hours on
the internet per week, and have no interest in women.
If you are interested in either of these positions, contact Benjamin
Diggles at extension 6228, or come to his office in the northernmost
alcove on the third floor of the library.
Hong Kong Phooey, DUI, hongkongphooey@earthling.net, (042)5-19-1999
=================
#2
Subject: Virus Warning!
Message:
A new and dangerous computer virus has been circulating throughout the
SPUnet. Unlike most trivial plagues that may send lists of
pornographic websites or force you to look at pictures of Ben Diggles,
this one literally makes your computer "sick". Serious heartburn and
indigestion, along with headaches and even vomiting are the symptoms.
One 2nd Moyer resident we interviewed told us; "My computer has such
bad gas, I can barely sleep without a bag over my head". We figure
this virus explains the foul stench of the entire floor. The virus is
spread through e-mails with subject headers beginning with the letter
h. Common examples include "Hi," "Hey," "Howdy," "How's it goin',"
and frequently used "hit me baby one more time." If you receive any
e-mails of this manner, DO NOT DELETE IT, it is instead suggested that
you strip naked and do a little dance (Ben Diggles excluded). It is
the only way to keep it from spreading. Although CIS is working day
and night to remedy this problem, we all too vividly remember the
Banner scandal.
Fuzzy D, DUI, dabuttminster@mindless.com, (SUP)MY-HOMIE
================
#3
Subject: Gwinn Construction Update!
Message:
Unexpected delays in construction have moved back the projected
completion of the Gwinnovation, a Nuprecon spokesman announced early
yesterday. Food services employees held an emergency meeting
yesterday afternoon to discuss how to meet these unexpected
circumstances. It was reluctantly decided that SPU can fund crews to
work 24 hours if major cuts are made in the experimental "Nazi No
Tolerance" training program for Stearns staff. This little-known-but-
widely-suspected training program is behind the recent crackdown on
leaving the cafe with a half-eaten cookie, and other such vile
offenses. Unfortunately, this common consensus was over-ruled by
Heather "Stalin" VanAuken, who argued that "Those miserable scrubs
can live a few more months without decent food. NO ICE CREAM IS
LEAVING *MY* @#$%ing cafe!" Frau VanAuken's bloody purge of Marriott
management immediately after this meeting left three dead, and very
few people willing to speak out. As one frightened employee who
refused to identify himself said, "Hey, I've got a family to provide
for, man. They'd starve without me. She can have her way. Heil
Heather!" The new Gwinn is expected to be complete by Christmas '99.
da Buttminster, DUI, dabuttminster@mindless.com, (206)555-1212
================
#4
Subject: Chapel Guest Speaker
Message:
Have we got a treat for you. Jerry Springer, in all his infinite
wisdom, has agreed to take time out of his busy schedule to do a
chapel with Les Parrot on "Saving your Marriage Before it Starts."
The chapel will be filmed and aired for the Jerry Springer show under
the title "Teacher, Teacher, I declare. I can see your underwear."
It will feature bizarre gay faculty-student love triangles that end in
marriage. While the lovers duke it out, Les Parrot will explain how
things would have been different if they had done things according to
his special formula for marital bliss (patent pending), which
essentially says, don't sleep around, or you will end up on Jerry
Springer duking it out like Alex Thomason, Derrek Atterbury, and Dr.
Mike McDonald here. Mr. Thomason will also have a short talk on how
people of alternative sexual preferences should not date unless they
plan to get married, which kind of puts him in difficult position, at
least in this state.
dahickster, DUI, dahickster@mindless.com, (UMM)UMM-UMMM
=================
#5
Subject: Spring Matrimonial Guarantee
Message:
Are you still single? At SPU, we hold firm to Jesus' commission to
"send them out in pairs" (Mark 6:7). In order to better serve this
purpose, in conjunction with Financial Services, University Services
is offering the following guarantee for any student currently enrolled
at SPU that has attended a minimum of two quarters prior to spring
quarter: If proof is provided to University Services by June 1st that
the student has had no serious relationship with a member of the
opposite sex, University Services will provide you with a voucher,
redeemable at Financial Services for a 50% refund on this year's
tuition (Limit one per student). So, if money is more important to
you than Godly love of the opposite sex, remember the June 1st
deadline.
Hong Kong Phooey, DUI, hongkongphooey@earthling.net, (042)5-19-1999
=================
#6
Subject: Crossing Bertona
Message:
The Seattle Police Department has recently readdressed the common
practice of crossing Bertona between the SUB and the Bookstore/bank.
As an arterial, crossing Bertona anywhere other than an intersection
was previously illegal in accordance with city law. Several members
of the SPU community were ticketed for jaywalking there in the past.
As a result, SPU held discussions with city officials and Queen Anne
community members in an effort to resolve this situation as part of
the campus master plan. After 3 weeks of negotiating, the discussions
were called to a close, and SPU officials declared the campus an
independent township separate from the city of Seattle. Therefore,
effective immediately, students are encouraged to cross the street
wherever they darn well please. However, the new mandate is not an
excuse for total anarchy. "We want to make it clear to students that
although SPU is no longer a part of the city of Seattle, we still have
to abide by a set of rules." said provost Bruce Murphy yesterday.
There will be an open call for students who wish to join the new
militia which will be formed to aid security due to the absence of
Seattle Police Department officers around campus. For more
information, contact the Office of Safety and Security, located in the
dungeon beneath Tiffany Hall.
Hong Kong Phooey, DUI, hongkongphooey@earthling.net, (042)5-19-1999
=================
#7
Subject: SPRINT searching for Tacoma members!
Message:
Still don't know what you want to do this summer? Well that's because
you are a sap. What's the matter with you? Everyone else knows what
they want to do. All I can say is you are low and worthless. At any
rate, we have something for you to do this summer. That's right, the
SPRINT program is pumping out yet ANOTHER team! This time to the
exotic locale of Tacoma Washington. Visit far away Tacoma, and at the
same time, minister in a city that has become known as the homosexual
commie nazi Satanist capital of the world. Yes, boys and girls,
descend with us into the hellish cesspool of sin and Satan we all know
as Tacoma. Hand out tracts on the infamous Tacoma Narrows Bridge and
get whistled at by the numerous gay communist devil-worshipers
whizzing by. Loiter outside the Tacoma Dome witnessing, and get hit
on to participate in lesbian fascist witch rituals. Super Keen! The
trip will be from July 1 through June 30. If you are interested
please come to the SPRINT office (2nd floor SUB) and pick up an
application. All questions are welcome. Serve the world. See God,
in a rare one-time-only encore appearance.
da Buttminster, DUI, dabuttminster@mindless.com, (206)GET-SOME
=================
#8
Subject: Taking Food from Stearns
Message:
The controversial rule which prevents students from leaving the
Stearns warehouse with any so-called "food" will be updated in
response to the many complaints received by Marriott regarding the
policy. Effective Friday, April 23rd, students will be required to
completely finish digesting their food before standing up from their
chairs. Kerwin Higashi, head of Campus Dining Gestapo, believes that
"The best way to keep students from burning down the warehouse in
rebellion is to tighten the iron fist, making the rules more strict."
Tupac Shakur, when asked his opinion on the subject, exclaimed
"Instead of a war on poverty, they got a war on food so the Gestapo
bother me!" A forum will be held on the issue Sunday, April 25th, at
4:30am in the secret conference room beneath the Demaray Hall clock
tower. Any student caught thinking about attending will be put to
death in a method of "epic proportions", which should "bring in plenty
of money to brighten our future."
Hong Kong Phooey, DUI, hongkongphooey@earthling.net, (042)5-19-1999
=================
#9
Subject: Marilyn Manson in Concert!
Message:
Respected gospel crooner Marilyn Manson will be ministering to us in
song at a free concert April 31st in Brougham Pavilion. Chapel
Credits will be available for this time of song and testimony. We
talked with Mr. Manson on the phone, and learned that he has put his
sinful ways behind him after seeing the incredible faith of Courtney
Love when he was on tour with Hole. "Yeah, I'm all about God now,"
Manson said, "I think I may have that rib put back in. In fact, I'll
put in two or three, just to make sure. I'm also going to open my own
branch of the humane society, for... restitution." If you would like
Mr. Manson to pray for you during the concert, you may turn your
requests into the Office of Campus Ministries by 5:00pm April 30th.
He has also donated all his makeup to the girls of Ashton Hall. "I
know they'll use it," he said. His infamous leather, whips, and
chains are going to the girls of First Hill. The concert should be an
uplifting time of spiritual reflection and worship. We hope to see
you all there.
da Buttminster, DUI, dabuttminster@mindless.com, (777)MLN-MNSN
=================
#10
Subject: Picking Flowers
Message:
It is springtime. Love is in the air. Wouldn't you like to pick a
flower for the one you love? Well suck dung, toad licker. Plant
services will fine you $50 if they catch you at it. "What's this,"
you say, "How can such a crime be committed? Such a sin against love
itself must not be tolerated!" Well, there are many who agree with
you, including, in fact, Mrs. Eaton, Phildog's beloved mother, and
patron saint of the school. Using a large fund she saved up from less
saintly days, she has offered to pay the fines of anyone caught
picking flowers for the entire month of May, provided they are
intended for a lover or someone whose lover you would like to be. I
don't know about anyone else, but I'm picking flowers for Mrs. Eaton.
To redeem your fifty-dollar reimbursement, just call Financial
Services (206)281-2061, and tell them "Phil's mom owes me money."
da Buttminster, DUI, dabuttminster@mindless.com, (206)281-2126
==================
#11
Subject: Classes Cancelled May 19th
Message:
Many students have been burning with one question for the past two
months: "Is Phil Eaton living in the Dark Ages? Doesn't he know that
The Phantom Menace comes out Wednesday, May 19th, and that students
would much rather be watching Episode 1 than sitting through another
mind-numbing biology lecture with Fitch?" Well, your voice has indeed
been heard. After his mother threatened to ground him yesterday, Phil
Eaton signed an executive mandate canceling all classes and activities
scheduled for May 19th. In addition, to promote the movie release,
Lucasfilm Ltd. will have a booth set up in the SUB April 27th, where
they will be handing out free tickets to the 12:00 showing on May
19th. In order to reduce traffic through the SUB during this event,
all entrances into the SUB will be locked, requiring students to find
creative ways to enter the building. In order to aid students in
planning their entry, the sub will be locked in the same manner from
11:00pm through 6:30am every night from now through the end of the
quarter. For more information, call Unicom (dial 0).
Hong Kong Phooey, DUI, hongkongphooey@earthling.net, (042)5-19-1999
==================
#12
Subject: Rusted Roots of the Ratio
Message:
Hey there ladies, any of you notice anything out of the ordinary on
your way to class or in the newly acquired Stearns Cafe? That sad
part is probably no, we have become used to the fact that there 15
ladies to every 1 guy. Problem? Not if your guy, but for us women we
must wonder how did it ever get this way? Nobody at the President's
office will comment, but this reporter did hear PHILDOG mumbling
something to himself about "another reason for the ACLU to jump all
over us."
While nobody would comment officially, we did have a number unofficial
hypotheses on this quandary.
1) "The FABIO Findings"- The first, and possibly most obvious reason
for the recent flux in females is the fact that Fabio attended school
here. I know some of you are thinking there's no way that " I can't
believe it's not butter" boy came here, but it is true. And the women
followed him here and fought over him like two women grappling over
the last pair of tight black spandex pants at the Gap.
2) Another idea, is the opinion that they can come here to try and
prove themselves "holiest" in their conquest of winning a stellar
Christian husband. How they did this was by: singing the loudest at
Group, raising their hands the highest while worshiping, getting the
most chapel credits, giving the best back rubs, and so forth. This
line of reasoning eventually led to much gossip over who wasn't even
close to being the holiest and consequently to squabbling like two
women fighting over the last Mud Pie, Ben and Jerry's ice cream in the
sub.
3) Third is the reasoning that all the hills on this campus would be
good for the thighs and butts. They come here thinking that "after
dinner, I will just jog up to my room. It will be good for me." This
works for the first week of school, until somebody informs them of the
Escort Service. This has devastated butts and thighs all over campus.
And that is the reason that every guy here hates the guys in red
shirts with their Mag lights, and makes us want to fight with them
like two women over the last Thigh Master on the first day of spring.
Daisy Dew, DUI, hongkongphooey@earthling.net, (ASK)ME-DAISY
==================
#13
Subject: DUI Disclaimers
Message:
. . . . .
- Hong Kong Phooey, DUI Chief Editor:
The Department of Underground Information (DUI) has provided this
disclaimer section in order to clarify a few things about this
message, as well as to give credit where credit is due. Thanks to
everyone who helped put this together. Some general information:
Opinions expressed in this message do not necessarily reflect those of
Seattle Pacific University. Duh. Also, I would like to apologize to
anyone that we may have terribly offended, as none of this message was
meant to be taken seriously. If you have any comments on one of our
articles, feel free to reply to our addresses. They ARE real, and we
will try to reply if we have time. For all of you out there who are
incredibly mad about having your precious inbox cluttered up by this
message, I have two things to say. 1) LIGHTEN UP. 2) Don't worry, it
won't happen again. At least not anytime soon. Moving on to more
specific items, for anyone who doesn't know, the quote from Tupac is
from his song "Changes" (I just wanted to clarify any confusion). At
this point, I believe that my feelings would best be demonstrated by
reciting some lines from one of my favorite songs, dedicated the one I
love. You know who you are. "In the night in my dreams I'm in love
with you, 'cause you talk to me like lovers do. I feel joy, I feel
pain, 'cause it's still the same, when the night is gone, I'll be
alone. Another night, another dream, but always you. It's like a
vision of love that seems to be true. Another night, another dream,
but always you. In the night I dream of love so true..."
- Have a nice day. 8^P
- Hong Kong Phooey, DUI Chief Editor, hongkongphooey@earthling.net
. . . . .
- da Buttminster, Head Writer:
Ok, first of all, I would like to say that I have nothing against
Heather VanAuken. She is just a Marriott employee doing her job,
however irritated she may make me when she enforces this worthless
new rule. She is really a nice person who only cares about providing
the best services possible to students. (Please don't have your
henchmen break my legs Heather!) Now Tacoma, on the other hand, is a
different story. I meant every word I said about Tacoma. If you are
from Tacoma, you might as well be Satan in my book. Finally, let me
make a preemptive statement against all you annoying history buffs
who are just itching to correct me on my playing around with Nazis and
Commies. I know Stalin was a communist, not a Nazi, alright? I know
Nazis and communists hated each other. So don't even bother. If you
were thinking of correcting me on this, all I can say is that you lost
your sense of humor somewhere back where you came from, and you should
go look for it. Thanks to Heptagon Girl and Fuzzy D for input on the
Marilyn Manson article.
-PLAY HARD - speed fast - DiE YoUnG - da Buttminster,
-dabuttminster@mindless.com
. . . . .
- Daisy Dew, Columnist:
"Duct tape is like the force: It has a light side and a dark side,
and holds the universe together."
-to contact Daisy Dew, write hongkongphooey@earthling.net
. . . . .
- Fuzzy D, Writer:
"Word to your mother."
. . . . .
- da Hickster, Writer:
Thanks to da Buttminster for help on the Jerry Springer Story.
Otherwise, no comment.
-da Hickster a.k.a. "Indecent Man", dahickster@mindless.com
. . . . .
- Heptagon Girl, Photographer:
No comment.
. . . . .
Editor Phooey, DUI, hongkongphooey@earthling.net, (042)5-19-1999
==================
end