Attention students of Seattle Pacific University. I have a very serious and troubling issue to discuss with you today. This issue has been silently torturing students since the beginning of food service on campus, and continues still today to persecute the most unsuspecting victims. However trivial it may seem, the apparently simple fact that the Stearns employees cut our bananas in half is in fact a death warrent to all that is good and pure at SPU. You laugh. I can hear you laughing. Do not laugh at Skor's warning. I SAID NOT TO LAUGH! SHUT UP! THIS IS A SERIOUS MATTER.

     Consider the consequences of having our bananas cut in half. For one thing, we receive only half the potassium, a vital nutrient to the human body. If you only consumed half as much potassium as you need for 3 years, you would be a person with very little potassium. Ponder not only the nutritional concerns, but also the moral implications. What if you were to pay me to wash your car, and I washed only the front half? Would you be satisfied with that? Of course not. It could even be called immoral. Each time a student must pick up two halves of banana just to get one, it is like me charging you twice for a full car wash.

     Last, but certainly not least, we need to realize how sinful it is to cut a banana in half. King Solomon, in his infinite wisdom, was once approached with a problem. Two women lay claim to the same banana. Each insisted that they were the true owner of the banana. Solomon said that he would cut the banana in half, and give each woman a piece, as that would be the most fair thing to do. At this point, one of the women declared that he should never do such a thing. If that was how it would have to be, the other woman could have the banana. Therefore, Solomon was able to determine that this must be the true owner of the banana, as only the true owner would rather sacrifice the banana than have it undergo the true horror of being cut in half. (Ok, so it was a child, but to prove my point, I needed to use a banana.)

     In closing, I would like to ask the students of SPU to unite! Take a stand against halved bananas! The only way we can get the food service Stalinites to listen to our plea is to boycott all halved bananas until they meet our demands. Do not stand under this oppresion any longer! I beg of you, preserve the unity and purity of the banana. Do not allow the bananas of SPU to be... this is still so painful... cut in half. Thank you.

     Skor