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SPU Ratio: Too Close to Call
This just in: University Officials have moved the SPU ratio, recently believed to favor females by a wide margin, back into the "undecided" column. Kathleen Braden, head of Student Life, held a press conference this morning in which she asserted that there had been some confusion in the application process, and there was a possibility that hundreds of SPU students had been disenfranchised from being assigned the proper gender. "The gender selection part of the application was clearly very confusing," said Matt Basinger, leader of a group of students fighting for reapplication, "After I had mailed my application, I realized my mistake, and I broke down and wept for hours." On being asked if he was merely a guy who wanted to live on the sly in a girl apartment, Matt just looked at his shoes and blushed. The DUI was able to obtain one of these allegedly confusing applications, and we have provided a scan of the gender selection section. You can click on the excerpt at right for a full-sized view of the application.
In order to bring some finality to the issue, Matt and others like him are calling on University Officials to ask for a manual hand recount to start within a week. Such a process would be a huge undertaking, and if agreed upon, would require massive volunteer assistance. Volunteers would be given "gender inspection licenses" on a first-come, first-serve basis. For more information, call Kathleen Braden at extension 2123, or if you also feel that you have been disenfranchised, Matt has set up a "gender hotline" at extension 7179 that you can call to report any gender irregularities.
-Hawk-
thehawk@nightmail.com
With investigative assistance from:
--> Inspector Gadget, the-sirens@juno.com <--
Secret Meeting Agenda Revealed
The DUI has learned that our fearless leader, Phil Eaton, has been keeping secrets from us. Underneath the campus, in an almost forgotten series of maintenance tunnels, a private staff meeting was held Saturday. We may or may not have had this meeting bugged, but 'sources' tell us that the President discussed with his cabinet one of the most interesting facets of the Comprehensive Plan for the 21st Century (CP21) that has come to our attention yet. Some already well-known aspects of CP21 are the construction of a new science facility, the renovation of Marston/Watson, and plans to convert sections of Bertona, Emerson, and 6th Ave into private SPU sidewalks. But this new development may well be the most stunning. According to our sources, conversation at the meeting was as follows:
Phil Eaton: "...which is why I propose that we build a fountain in the middle of Martin Square."
John Glancy: "I have a question. Wouldn't students see a fountain as prank after prank just waiting to happen?"
Phil Eaton: "Good point. But I really feel strongly about this. I suggest that we simply keep it a secret from the students."
John Glancy: (Gesturing to the asbestos lined walls of the tunnel) Obviously we're already taking measures to keep the plans secret, but what about after it's built?
Phil Eaton: "That is where engaging the community comes in. We need to decentralize our commodities and take hold of the future. We will prevent them from noticing the fountain by making paper bags over the head required attire anywhere within 500 feet of Martin Square."
John Glancy: "Ahhhh... I'm sorry I questioned you, Dr. Eaton."
Phil Eaton: "Don't worry about it. I know that few can comprehend my genius. Now, moving on to the next item on the agenda, finalizing the name 'Eaton Library...'"
Obviously, someone has some explaining to do. Phil, Phil, Phil... Did you really think that the students of SPU would be fooled so easily? What did you think would happen when we used up all the paper bags? Tsk. I'm all in favor of a fountain, but trying to keep it a secret from the students is just wrong. Students, if this concerns you too, click here to e-mail Phil with your comments.
--> Inspector Gadget, the-sirens@juno.com <--
EE Department Renounces "Nerd" Label
MSLC - In a statement released early Monday morning, the Electrical Engineering Department has officially separated itself from a title it has been notorious for since its inception. Taunts of "nerd," "geek," and "loser" have been heard directed toward EE students in various places around campus, most often the MSLC. Part of the official statement, penned by a committee of both students and faculty, reads, "...These despicable terms have outlived their usefulness and it is the belief of the department that they must not be applied to our students any further."
Describing EE students as ones of "competence and character," the document states that new, more politically correct terms must be adopted by the SPU community. Some suggestions include, "future-boss," "techno-wizard," and "gifted-student."
Student reaction has been mixed. Steve Arnott, a fifth year senior, said, "I really enjoyed the old labels. Why change a good thing?"
"This good. I like. Uff-da!" Exclaimed Nathan Oines, a junior EE major.
EE Senior Mike Waring commented: "My cat's breath smells like cat food!"
It remains to be seen whether the new terms will stick.
***Dave Evans, baldheaddave@hotmail.com***
SPU Credit Card Monopoly
Seattle Pacific University has taken bold steps to ensure that heartless bloodthirsty credit lenders can't pester you, trick you, or ruin your credit rating. That is, not unless they give the school a cut first. The Alumni office here at SPU recently announced a strategic partnership with a major credit card company to allow for a new SPU credit card to be solicited on campus, making a loophole in the "no outside solicitation" policy, and effectively creating a monopoly for the credit card company on campus. SPU simultaneously announced a new credit-counseling department to be set up in lower Watson. Counseling sessions are available 9-5 Monday through Friday for $29.99, payable by cash, check, or charge card. When interviewed on the subject, interim Provost Joyce Erickson joked, "We get 'em coming and going!" She seemed to have more to say, but she couldn't stop laughing long enough to get the words out.
-Hawk-
thehawk@nightmail.com
University to Stop Blum Poets Society
President Phil Eaton signed a mandate today at the urging of Second Essence (SPU's very own yearly publication of the arts) calling for the capture and questioning of anyone thought to be involved with the shady "Blum Poets Society." According to the Second Essence staff, this group of SPU students, inspired by the rebel film "The Dead Poets Society," has been meeting clandestinely somewhere off-campus, where they read non-Second-Essence-approved poetry. "We've heard they openly mock the Second Essence selection criteria, some of them even submitting computer-generated random poetry to our esteemed publication," said a spokesman for Second Essence. "Their meetings reportedly consist of sitting around and reading the works of the so-called 'great' poets like Robert Frost and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. This is in clear violation of Second Essence's long-standing slogan 'Obscurity is Genius.' The fact that we publish mental flatulence in stanzas doesn't give people the right to look elsewhere for inspiration." Anyone with information about these criminals is urged to call President Phil Eaton at extension 2114.
-Hawk-
thehawk@nightmail.com
Gwinn Exposed
As many returning students may have noticed, Gwinn Commons is sporting a shiny new addition this year. No, I'm not talking about wax fruit. It's the new ice cream machine. But ah hah! You didn't even notice that I just mislabeled that machine, did you? Did you? I thought not. It is time that everyone was made aware that this machine does not serve real ice cream! That's right. The creamy fluid that you regularly allow that foul metal devil to spew all over your otherwise untarnished desserts is FAT FREE FROZEN YOGURT! To some, this may not be an issue, but what about those of us who wish to participate in a full and complete dessert dining experience? Dessert just isn't worth it if you don't gain at least 5 pounds per serving. Besides, living on a campus with as many stairs as there are at SPU, what happens when we have no fat to work off during the endless cycle of traipsing up and down hundreds of stairs? Something must be done. We need real ice cream in Gwinn. Besides, what will all the cows do if they're not producing milk for our ice cream? Do you want to be responsible for putting millions of cattle out of work? I didn't think so. Please, do not be appeased by the filthy fat free frozen yogurt. Write comment cards, call the Gwinn office, and even speak in person to Gwinn staff if you have to, but do not allow this tragedy to continue.
--> Inspector Gadget, the-sirens@juno.com <--
Solicitor Warning
There have been several recent reports of two men selling paperclips from the back of a vehicle. They have been asking relatively high prices for low quality paperclips. These solicitors are not approved to be on the SPU campus, if you encounter them promptly run screaming and shouting to Campus Security (Lower Tiffany). Or, if you happen to have a stun-gun, feel free to neutralize the suspects and drag their limp bodies to the Security office for questioning.
--> Inspector Gadget, the-sirens@juno.com <--
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New Monkey Breeding Minor
Make your résumé stand out! When you graduate, you will be among hundreds of people that potential employers will be considering for the position you want. There’s nothing that can catch an employer’s eye better than a unique minor to accompany your major of choice. Scott Strawn, Director of Student Programs, explains why SPU chose to offer this particular unique minor: "There are a lot of sick people out there, and to be frank, we’ve got our share here at SPU. We did a little research, and we think there are a lot of people who will sign up for this minor, simply because it has the words 'monkey' and 'breeding' in its title. I hate my job."
-Hawk-
thehawk@nightmail.com
Closed Classes
A small scandal erupted last week when it was found that three classes on the time-schedule for winter quarter are not actually going to be offered next term, and in fact do not exist at all. They were apparently submitted by a new hire in the Student Registration Office, who also happens to work at Gwinn as well. Apparently, the only motivation for submitting these false classes was some kind of sick pleasure taken in watching people suffer. Usually, he gets his jollies by creating incredibly long lines and taunting students with food, but it appears he ran out of ways to torment students in Gwinn, and so moved on to spread his own particular brand of joy elsewhere. We can’t tell you who he is, but we can say this: he may or may not work the international line on a regular basis.
-Hawk-
thehawk@nightmail.com
New Course Offering
Dr. Frank Spina announced yesterday that he will be teaching a new class this spring, THEO 2042. The five credit theology class is entitled "I know more than you do." Students taking the class will delve into the depths of Dr. Spina's infinite knowledge on a variety of topics, centering on Old Testament theology, but also touching on several of his other areas of expertise. At least two weeks will be spent on each of the following topics: Women--Attraction and Relationships, Baseball, and Biblical Euphemisms. The course will be largely discussion oriented, where students will discuss a topic, and then Dr. Spina will openly mock and ridicule them because they are incredibly mistaken. For more information on this exciting new course, click here to e-mail Dr. Spina.
--> Inspector Gadget, the-sirens@juno.com <--
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"Circus Memoirs" Winter Play
Shortly after the final showing of "Holiday Memories," SPU Theater announced its plans to put on the critically acclaimed "Circus Memoirs" this winter. Based on the life story of Buddy-Joe, the Two-Headed Goat, the show captures all the magic, fun, and emotion of the circus. Claire Chambers, who is considering auditioning for the play, told us: "After reading the script, I felt as though I had really lived the life of a caged, ridiculed, circus freak. It was really touching." So come one come all to the magical three-ring spectacle that is "Circus Memoirs" this winter.
--> Inspector Gadget, the-sirens@juno.com <--
Moyer Drug Testing
The men of Moyer are asking for volunteers to test an experimental drug that they have developed, known as "Love Napalm." PA Trevor Schultz commented: "These guys have put a lot of time into developing this drug. Amazingly, they were able to put aside computer games for at least ten minutes a day to produce something that would further their social lives." Not being ones to step completely out of character however, another Moyer resident explained the origin of the drug's name as having come from "Scorched Earth," which is apparently some type of computer game. Testing will be held in the 1st/2nd Moyer lobby Tuesday night at 7:00pm.
--> Inspector Gadget, the-sirens@juno.com <--
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Exciting New Involvement Opportunity!
The Office of Campus Ministries announced Friday the completion of plans for their newest involvement opportunity. Special Events Coordinator Andy Sullivan made the announcement: "With the overwhelming interest in our Urban Plunge program, I am sorry to say that we have had to turn down a record number of applicants this year. However, in order to facilitate students who wish to participate in these types of intensive experiences, we have created a new program, a sequel to Urban Plunge, if you will. I'm pleased to be the first to tell the general campus about the opportunity to participate in Rural Plunge."
Rural plunge will be a four to five day intensive agricultural experience designed to give participants a taste of what it is like to ride on a tractor and what resources are and are not available to Washington's farmers. The nights will be spent square-dancing in a barn or frolicking in the hayloft and the days will be filled with explorations as participants stroll through the rolling wheat fields, listen to the wind, and experience in small ways some of the challenges that face the sowers and reapers of harvest. Rural Plunge will take place during Christmas Break and Spring Break.
--> Inspector Gadget, the-sirens@juno.com <--
Laziness Workshop
Do you often find yourself stricken by an incredible urge to do absolutely nothing, but are continually faced with the looming prospect of "homework," "mid-terms," and "finals?" If you have questions about how to live up to your full laziness potential, come to the Student Laziness Workshop on Thursday at 1:00 pm in Demaray 150. Or don't. By not coming to this workshop, you can take the first step towards a glorious new tomorrow filled with laziness beyond your wildest dreams. In no time at all you'll be copying friends' homework, sleeping through class, faking lab data, and openly mocking those who actually put effort into their education. So come on! Stay right there on that lazy heinie and do nothing!
--> Inspector Gadget, the-sirens@juno.com <--
There's nothing quite like good Bolivian cooking...
So join us for a Bolivian Club breakfast! We will be making an exquisite feast of various Bolivian delicacies on Saturday, November 25, 2000 at 10:00 a.m. in Hill 522. While this is early in the morning, the delicious assortment of rocks will make it well worth it. Planned menu items include: Pumice parfait, Limestone lasagna, and a delicious dessert of Cobblestone cobbler. There is a $1 charge to cover the cost of the trip to the quarry. Bolivians and non-Bolivians are welcome. Please RSVP to Nathan Fluger at dachshund101@hotmail.com or (206) 286-6959 by Thursday, November 23, 2000
--> Inspector Gadget, the-sirens@juno.com <--
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Global Warming
The SPU Recycling Club is hosting a global warming informational session this Friday in order to make us all frightened of damaging the environment by not recycling. We went out and interviewed several students on the street to find what they thought. "G-global warming?! It's frickin' f-freezing!" chattered sophomore Jeff Padour as he hurried indoors. We then moved into the SUB fireside room and gathered a group of students to talk about the issue where it was a little warmer. The consensus of the group was probably best represented by freshman Jessica Young: "These global warming scare tactics are nonsense. Look outside. For that matter GO outside! It must be thirty below out there! If anything, we need MORE global warming!" We had to agree. It seems that the responsible thing to do is to increase global warming, and everyone knows that the best way to do that is through pollution. In fact, you could say we have a moral, even a religious responsibility to warm the earth up for the sake of all the poor people who freeze to death every year. For this reason, Hawk urges you to use lots of aerosol products, purchase Freon for all your cooling needs, and burn your garbage... for the children.
-Hawk-
thehawk@nightmail.com
Alcoholism: Guest Editorial
Hi. I am an SPU student, just like most of you reading this, and I have something to say about the issue of alcohol on this campus. Alcohol is good. I drink it all the time. I drink and drink and drink and drink. Sure, I have hosted parties where minors got plastered. So what? I’m tired of the way everyone on this campus looks at me like I’m some kind of freak. What kind of grace-filled community is this? I should be able to break the rules and not get in trouble. If you impose discipline on me, then you must not be Christian because Christians are supposed to forgive. Discipline and consequences are cruel and mean-spirited. It’s not fair. NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR!!! WAAAAAH!!
- An anonymous SPU student
Send comments on this editorial to:
-Hawk-
thehawk@nightmail.com
China Harbor -- Restaurant...?
The China Harbor "Restaurant" has long been an object of suspicion in our local community. Many have pointed out that there are few restaurants which require a warehouse building large enough to build a 747 inside. Most people agree that the restaurant is in fact a front for a massive drug smuggling operation. The establishment's waterfront location and massive storage space make this pretty much a foregone conclusion. In an attempt to confirm this, one of our roving reporters called the restaurant, and attempted to make a reservation for "Cocaine, party of 2 kilos" in a fake Chinese accent. We considered the outburst of mixed Chinese and English profanity that resulted from this query to be proof enough of our assertion, and we felt that it had been worth the trouble making the previous thirty calls in which the person answering had merely hung up on us without responding.
-Hawk-
thehawk@nightmail.com
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Inspector Gadget
First, if you are just sitting there in front of your computer screen with steam rising off of your head because you're so mad about this e-mail that you've raised your body temperature to 110, let me just tell you: Cool off. We're just having a little fun, trying to entertain people. And besides, I really enjoy doing this. Some may say I enjoy it too much. Anyway, I just want to make it clear that I definitely do not have anything against any of the people that I named in my articles. This includes: Matt Basinger, Phil Eaton, John Glancy, Dr. Spina, Claire Chambers, Trevor Sharp, Andy Sullivan, and Nathan Fluger. In fact, I am good friends with a number of these people, and they know that it is all in good fun.
In closing, I would like to remind you of this: We've come a long, long way together. Through the hard times and the good. I have to celebrate you baby. I have to praise you like I should.
--> Inspector Gadget, the-sirens@juno.com <--
Hawk
Wow. This is great. I gotta thank Skor and PORTENT for handing over the reigns of DUI to Inspector Gadget and I. We basically did nothing over the last week but work on this stuff, and only about 10% of the work was on this e-mail you are reading. The other 90% was putting content on the DUI web page. If you liked what you read in this e-mail, check out the web page. There’s way more stuff there, and a lot of it is funnier than the stuff here.
My main disclaimer is directed at people who may think I don’t like Matt Basinger. In my opinion, Matt Basinger is literally the coolest guy in the world, as I have often told anyone who would listen to me. He wanted to be made fun of and wanted to have his name made famous across campus, and we were happy to oblige.
-Hawk-
thehawk@nightmail.com
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