Not my plan

I wrote this a while ago, but it still feels true:

I’m feeling vulnerable, so you get to get a peak at my thoughts & fears.

If I’m honest with myself there is a part of me that doesn’t want to keep going. There are days that I’m motivated and eager to move forward; to plan and do the paperwork. Then there are other days. Those days I get a lump in my throat. My anxiety level is out of control at the thought of adoption. The idea of raising children who come out of foster care terrifies me. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be momma to more kids. hI just have a hard time accepting that this is the way it will happen.

It’s so much work! I know that all parenting is work – hard work. But when you raise adopted children, it seems like the work load is heavier. I still struggle with why I have to prove my parental worth to the state, while others easily get pregnant without effort… this was not my plan.

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