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untitled randomness

Ok, this one really is 100% fictional. Here’s the story behind the story: I get bored, and crazy things pop into my mind. I write them down, and here they are.

Chapter 1

See, one time, I was walking along the freeway, I think it was I-34 through New Jersey, and this police officer stopped right by me. I thought to myself: ‘How nice. This officer wants to give me a ride.’ But instead, he walked over to me, took off his belt, and whipped me with it. Well, as you might guess, I was pretty mad. So I jumped into his car, and drove off. Just to spite him, I got on the police radio: “Jones to dispatch. (His name was Jones, I read it on his name tag.) I just encountered a hitchhiker on side of the road, at I-34 and 56 Ave, and when I tried to ticket him, he assaulted me, stole my clothes and my gun, and started shooting. Since I had been disarmed, I got back in my car, and I am currently 3 miles from the scene. Requesting backup. Repeat: Imposter at I-34 and 56th Ave.”

Chapter 2

Next, I decided that I didn’t have a use for the police car any more, so I found a cliff, connected a brick to the accelerator, and had the car drive itself into a supermarket. Luckily, since all the cops in the area were out trying to find the imposter, I was able to walk away from the scene undetected. That is, of course, after I bought some milk, bread, and a few frozen pizzas. So, I figured that once the police figured out that I was the real imposter, they would be sort of upset. So, in order to throw them off my trail, I decided to grow a beard. Good thing, too, because the next day, I had to get married to this girl I met in Bellingham one time on a skiing trip. So, when I went to the courthouse to get the paperwork, they had no clue who I was. Ha ha, joke’s on them. Good, cause I needed to get married.

Chapter 3

Oh, you’re probably wondering now, why I’m getting married. Well, see it’s like this. Being that I am a member of the Black Panthers, I am required to attend their yearly conference in Atlanta. So, I was at the conference this year, and I stopped by this booth that had a lot of information about flashlight bulbs. Well, since I’m so easily talked into things like that, I bought 5,000 of these revolutionary bulbs. Of course, I wanted to try them out, so I thought, no better place than a ski resort in Northern Washington. So, I left the conference early, and flew to Bellingham.

Chapter 4

While I was taking a break at the ski lodge, this beautiful girl came up to me, sat down, took off her shoes, and threw them in the fire. I thought to myself, ‘Wow, she has some real pretty feet.’ So, later that day, back in town, I was at the Taco Bell, and when I picked up my order, I found that it had been switched with someone else’s. Well, I really didn’t want a nacho supreme, I wanted my 7-layer burrito. So, I’m looking around for the person with my order, and there she was: the girl of my dreams. I was so lovestruck that I forgot all about the burrito, and proposed right there. She accepted, and we set February 29th as the day. (Actually, that was my idea, then I only have to remember an anniversary once every four years.

Chapter 5

So, ok. With the proposal out of the way, that made dating so much easier. You wouldn’t believe. We had so much fun during the 3 months of our courtship. I had never seen the Eiffel Tower before, and come to think of it, I still haven’t. We went on a road trip throughout the US, that is, until our car broke. Then it was… well, I guess it was still a road trip, but we were just walking. Anyway, once I got the papers, we got married, and decided to move to Australia. Why Australia? Well, we had both seen the movie “Rescuers Down Under” and we really wanted to go down there so we could ride all those giant eagles like in the movie.

Chapter 6

All righty… So we’re in Australia, and the weirdest thing happens. Somehow, I got lost one day when I went out to get the paper, and I ended up at the seaport. Well, I figured as long as I was there anyway, I may as well go somewhere, so I called home, told my wife that I would be back in a few days/weeks/months, and got on the first ship. Well, unfortunately for me, it happened to be a ship headed for North Korea. Well, as I’m sure you know, North Korea is well known for their voracious sea turtles. I was really in fear for my life. Well, the boat made it to the harbor somehow, and I was so happy just to be alive, that I headed straight for the nearest fish market and bought me some crab. I love crab…

Chapter 7

So, I’m in Korea, and I just finished my crab. Well, suddenly I realized that Northern Korea isn’t such a nice place. So, I figured I should probably get going. The best place I could think of to go was South Korea, so I rented a car, and I started my drive to South Korea. Well, about the time I get to the border, I start seeing all these warning signs, but, since I can’t read Korean, I just figured they said not to bring fruit over the border, like when you go into California. Well, I didn’t have any fruit, so I figured I was safe. Well, darn my luck, my car overheated, just after I entered this nice flat stretch of road into South Korea.

Chapter 8

Well, there I am, sitting just miles away from South Korea, with an overheated car. I tried to wait for someone to come and help me, but for some reason, the road was completely deserted. So, I figured, I’m so close, I may as well just walk. As I’m walking along, I keep seeing these strange lumps in the ground. Being bored as I am, I make a game out of avoiding the lumps. It was actually kinda fun. After a few hours, I make it into South Korea, only to be greeted by a group of soldiers with guns. They took me prisoner, and shipped me off to Chile to stand trial. So, while I am sitting in my cell in Chile, I realize that I really have to go. I mean really. So, I got up to ask the guard to let me out, when I realized there was no guard even standing watch. To top it off, the cell door was unlocked.

Chapter 9

So, I think to myself, “Well, if they’re dumb enough to leave my cell door unlocked, I’m certainly not so dumb not to leave.” I walk out of the cell, and right out the front door. Unfortunately, the front door was 100 feet underground. I looked around for a while, trying to get my bearings, but considering all there was to light the area was wall torches, I didn’t have much luck there. So I just started walking. I walked for, I think about 3 hours or so, when finally I came across some people. I didn’t figure they spoke any English, and I certainly don’t speak Chilese, so I just sat around for a while to see what was going on. They were doing the strangest thing. It seemed that they had two chickens in some sort of mini-arena, and they were fighting each other for no reason.

Chapter 10

Well, as interesting as the chickens were, I really had to get going, because I checked the train schedule before I left the prison, and my train left in an hour. So, I left them to their business, and headed for the pier. When I got there, my train had already left. So, I got on the next boat headed north. Just my luck, the boat happened to be headed for Alaska, and my uncle’s best friend’s sister lives in Alaska. So, the boat takes off, headed for Alaska, and we ran into a bit of trouble. The seas started to get really stormy, and the situation did not appear to be getting any better, so we had to play paper/rock/scissors to determine who was at fault.

Chapter 11

Of course someone on board was in fact at fault, so as soon as we found out who it was, we threw them overboard. Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to help. So, I jumped in after her. Well, I didn’t have much luck finding her, probably because she had already swam to shore. So, I swam back to the boat, and as the crewmen lifted me up, I noticed something weird. Everyone on the boat but me had red hair. Well, I got really scared at that, and threw common sense out the window. I jumped right back into the raging seas, and swam as hard as I could toward shore.

Chapter 12

I soon got tired of swimming, and decided to try floating on my back for a while. After about 3 days of that nonsense, I finally reached shore. Well, obviously, after having eaten nothing for 3 days, I didn’t really care about where I was, but rather I was interested in getting something to eat. So, I walked around for a while, and soon found a village. Well, luckily the people in the village spoke German, because I wouldn’t have understood them otherwise. They told me that I had landed on the California peninsula, and the best way back to Australia, so I thanked them and left. Well, I got into the yacht that they had given me, and headed towards Australia. I really was beginning to miss my wife.

Chapter 13

Well, would you believe it, but after only 5 hours out to sea, I run into a terrible storm. It was almost as bad as the movies, where those ships get thrown all over. Lucky for me, however, I was in a “future yacht.” This thing was able to suddenly encase itself (like the Batmobile), and then turn into a submarine. Once I got under water, the storm really didn’t matter at all. You know, that reminds me of this man who used to cook deluxe burgers at my college. His name was Storm. What a great guy. One time, there was a huge fire in the kitchen in back, and nobody could find a fire extinguisher. Well, Storm just lept right up onto the fire, smothering it. Too bad I don’t have any real need to do that right now. It sounds like a real fun thing to do. Oh well.

Continued whenever I next get bored…

Conformity

A Bible-based skit written for church use.

Romans 12:2

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Characters:

Witness
At least 4 “conformers”

Setting:

A couch (or row of chairs) is setting at rear center stage, with a remote control setting on the ground beside it.

The conformers are scattered about the stage, with their heads down, frozen. The witness waits off stage out of sight. Big band music begins to play. The conformers awaken, and begin to dance with each other, in somewhat of a swing style. After about 20 seconds of this, the witness walks on to stage carrying a small Bible, observing the conformers. They attempt to make the witness join, but he resists.

The music stops. The conformers freeze. The witness continues to walk about them, trying to get their attention, but they are like statues. Suddenly, some suspenseful music (James Bond, Mission Impossible, etc…) begins to play. The conformers immediately awaken, and begin to walk shrewdly around with their fingers shaped as guns, making jerky movements, pointing the “guns” around. The witness comes up to one of them with the Bible, and opens it and points to it. The conformer sees the Bible, and gradually stops doing what the others are.

The music stops. The other conformers freeze. The witness and converted conformer try to get the others’ attention, but cannot. Suddenly, some popular sitcom theme music begins to play. The conformers walk over to the couch and sit down as one picks up the remote. They laugh and point at the imaginary television on front center stage. The witness and old conformer then approach the conformer on the end of the couch (the one with the remote) and show them the Bible. The conformer tries to ignore at first, but is eventually paying attention only to the witness and Bible, and powers off the TV with the remote. The music stops, and the remaining conformers freeze and put their heads down. The witness and two former conformers get on their knees as if to pray. When they are done, it is suggested to play “Hallelujah” from Handel’s “Messiah”.

Fade out after about 20 seconds.

Living Water

Preface:
I would just like to take this opportunity to say that this “skit” made a lot more sense when Coke was selling it’s Mountain Dew clone, Surge.

(Based on Coca-Cola’s Surge© commercial)
A Bible-based skit written for church use.

John 4:10

Jesus answered and said to her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water.”

John 4:14

“…but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”

Characters:

One Orator
At least 4 “extras”

Setting:

One large pyramid shaped tower standing about 4-5 feet tall on right of stage. Various obstacles scattered throughout rest of the stage.

The Orator stands beside the pyramid with a clear bottle of water in their hand. The extras stand on the far end of the stage, or offstage, if room. The Orator moves the bottle from far left to right, as if to display it to the crowd. He then sets the bottle down with both hands on top of the bottle, and slowly outstretches his hands from the top of the bottle to fully extended fists.

Orator:

(yelling) “LIVING WATERRRRR!!!”

Music such as Chariots of Fire, or Hawaii 5-0 are optional at this point.

The extras then begin in slow motion towards the pyramid with the bottle on top of it. Climbing over each other, falling over the obstacles, they move as if in slow motion until one of the extras reaches the bottle. When one of the extras reaches the bottle, they hold it up in the air, smiling, then take a drink and hand it to the next person, who drinks and hands it on, etc…

If music was being played, it is faded out.

Orator:

“In John chapter four, the Bible tells us: Jesus answered and said to her, ‘If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water. …But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.'”

Black Hole Battles

Preface:
Some things just seem a lot funnier when you are a high school sophomore.

Return of the Bolo
Episode 437

Characters

  • Narrator
  • Duke Skycrawler
  • Princess Allah
  • Garth the Caterer
  • Hands Como

Narrator:

“Not long ago in a galaxy near, near by there was a young Bolo Master named Duke Skycrawler. This galaxy is controlled by a conspiracy which is mastered by Duke. Well, he thinks, but really he’s just a disgruntled postal worker for the U.S. Postal Service turned psycho-maniac custodian for the conspiracy.” “In the Mobi Desert on the Planet Zork, Galaxy M-52a beta, time 12:01pm PST, Allah and Duke are walking through the desert to rescue Hands Como from the Clutches of the anti-evil Garth the Caterer who kidnapped Hands and is forcing him to sample fine cuisine after he tried to steal his secret recipe for Bolo meat-balls…”

Garth:
“So, you like my recipes so much, do you? Here, try this one: Chicken in teriyaki sauce!”

Hands:
“No, noooooo! No more chicken!!!”

Garth:
“All right, no more chicken. Time for dessert! Asparagus flavored Jell-O!”

Hands:
“I thought you were righteous! You’re nothing but a sick, twisted gourmet chef!”

Garth:
(As he shoves the Jell-O into Hands’ mouth.) “Thank you, I do what I can.”

Hands:
MMMPPPPGGHHHH!

Narrator:
“And now, back to Duke and Allah!”

Duke:
“You know, I’ve always felt a special bond between us, Allah.”

Allah:
(Seductively) “I know what you mean. I feel it too.”

Duke:
(Complaining) “How much farther?”

Allah:
“Quit your complaining. We must save Hands from the righteous cook Garth the Caterer.” (They reach the door, knock, and without waiting for an answer, let themselves in. Eventually, they reach a kitchen where Garth is cooking a seven course dinner.)

Garth:
“Ah, I’ve been expecting you… Please, come in. Try some of my excellent new Jell-O.”

Duke:
“Never! I know full well that Jell-O is flavored like asparagus! I could smell it the second I walked in the door!”

Allah:
“Asparagus! Oh my! Save me Duke!” (She faints. Garth chuckles.)

Garth:
“Asparagus? It’s not true! I swear it!”

Duke:
“Oh… Okay… Give us Hands!”

Garth:
“Never!”

Duke:
“Well then, I guess that leaves us only one option.”

Garth:
“Paper football?”

Duke:
(Seriously) “You got it. To the death!” (Duke and Garth go at it violently. Both equal at the skill of paper football.) “Yes, I win! 21 to 18, wow! Well, see you later. Thanks for the game.” (He picks up Allah and starts walking away. He gets to the door and suddenly stops.) “I feel the Ecrof pulling me to press my memo button.” (He pushes it and it talks.)

Memo:
“You eeediot! You forgot to get Hands!”

Duke:
“Oh! Thanks wonder memo taking thingy!”

Narrator:
“Duke drops Allah and goes back to Garth’s kitchen to retrieve Hands.”

Hands:
“Thanks for saving me pal!” (He races off. Duke goes back to where he dropped Allah, who is now conscious, and they embark on their journey home.)

Allah:
“You’re my hero! I love you Duke.”

Duke:
“Oh… Thanks. I like you too.”

Allah:
“Duke, let’s get married right now.”

Duke:
“I would, but my shift started a half an hour ago, so I’m already late.”

Allah:
“No… Now! Take me now!”

Duke:
“Where?”

Allah:
“Let’s go back to Garth, maybe he will marry us.” (They return to Garth’s kitchen.) “Garth, will you marry us?”

Garth:
(Laughing a righteous laugh) “Sure… Why not?”

Duke:
“What’s so funny? Well never mind, can you kinda’ hurry, I’m late for work!”

Garth:
“Sure, no problem. Oh, and I’ll tell you later what I was laughing at.”

Narrator:
“Garth marries the couple. Duke goes to work, and gets chewed out by his boss. He comes home late, but Allah is still waiting up for him… The next morning, the communicator rings. Duke answers.”

Duke:
“Hello?”

Garth:
“Hi Duke, this is Garth. I just thought I’d call to tell you what was so funny yesterday.”

Duke:
“Okay, I’m listening.”

Garth:
“There has always been a special bond between you and Allah.”

Duke:
“Hey, we were just talking about that yesterday before you married us. We both felt it.”

Garth:
“Well, I think there is something you ought to know about that special feeling.”

Duke:
“Yeah, go on.”

Garth:
“Well, I’m not sure how to say this.”

Duke:
“Just tell me already!!!”

Garth:
“Well… Ah… You will probably hate me for this, and I really should have told you yesterday, but it was so funny (He laughs out loud again.) (Fast and slurred) You and Allah are brother and sister and I’m your father. Bye. (Garth hangs up.)

Narrator:
“Duke sits with a look of astonishment on his face which soon turns to a sly smirk.”

THE END

PHS (a satire)

DISCLAIMER: The people, places, and events in this short story are fictional. Well, almost. They’re based on real people, places, and events, but the names have been changed to keep me from getting in trouble. Let’s just say it’s based on the high school I attended in Vancouver, Washington. I’m not going to tell you which one, but it’s either Fort Vancouver or Prairie, and it’s not Fort Vancouver. I’ll leave you to figure it out. Of course, if you didn’t go to high school in Vancouver, Washington, that may be somewhat difficult. Oh well.

Hi. my name’s Chevy Blazer. I don’t know you too well, so why don’t we get acquainted? I’ll start by telling you about a typical day at school for me. As a matter of fact, I think that I’ll tell you about how my day went yesterday. Well, I got to school, and I was chatting with my friend Coel Johnson about the new computer system the school bought to operate the bells, when the bell rang. So, I headed to class. About 20 seconds after the 5-minute bell rang, another bell rang. Then in another half minute, another bell… and another… and another… By the time I got to class. twenty bells must have rang.

Finally, I got to my first class, which is Computer Tech, where I help monitor and troubleshoot the school’s new computer lab, so I’m basically like this lady Fray who likes to kick people off the computers in the library. Anyway, I was sitting there, doing work on my computer when this teacher brings her whole class in here unannounced, even though we supposedly have this great system where the teachers are supposed to sign up beforehand. Not even five minutes after they come in, I start to get bombarded with no-brain questions like… “Why won’t my computer turn on?” Well, maybe if you tried plugging it in, you might have a little more success! And with the phone cord sitting beside the computer in plain sight, unplugged… “Why won’t my computer get onto the Internet?” Perhaps having it connected to the phone lines might help just a bit! What really ticks me off is the kids who have no patience, and when the computer won’t print the first time they hit the print button, they hit it about twenty more times. It’s like these people who are waiting for the elevator to reach their floor, and they push the button over and over like it is going to get the elevator there faster. In the case of the printing, all it does is print out nineteen more copies than they need.

So, first period finally ended, and I went to my second period math class taught by Mr. Blast. I get to class, and Mr. Blast comes up to me with this weird look on his face. “Guess what I bought yesterday?” I don’t know, what? “I finally got myself a new computer!” Cool. So you got that IBM we were showing you? “Nope. I got an awesome new Macintosh 7200/90. It works like a charm… For about ten minutes in between lock-ups. But hey, one lock-up every ten minutes is a small price to pay for a really good computer.” Uh huh. You are hopeless.

In third period, I normally have PE, but yesterday, I got called to the counseling center. They want me to do this resumé now, my Sophomore year, so they can put it in their archives, and in ten years when I go to get a job at some big corporation, they will supposedly still have this resumé in their computer so I can take it and use it to get a job. Yeah, right. I can see the interview now. “Well… lets see here, you’re asking for a job as head accountant. Ah, here we go, past work experience. ‘I mowed lawns around my neighborhood for a summer.’ Well. Very nice. ‘I baby sat for my neighbors every weekend for two months.’ I see. Okay, how about your references? ‘Mr. Blast, sophomore trig teacher. Mr. Lark, sophomore English teacher.’ NEXT!”

Fourth period is Japanese. My regular teacher, Mrs. Christiansen, was gone to another teacher’s funeral today, so we had a substitute. He brought us to the library so that we could do research on a recent assignment. We got there, and were working, when someone whispered to the guy next to him. Bad move in the library. We all saw it coming, so we plugged our ears. And then, there it was. Mrs. Claire, the librarian suddenly started yelling at the top of her lungs: “QUIET DOWN!!! THIS IS THE LIBRARY!!! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WORK!!! IF YOU WANT TO TALK, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!” After about a minute of this, she eventually shut up. Then, it was as if this kid had a death wish or something, the same kid started to tip back in his chair and put his feet on the table. You just can’t get any stupider than that. “GET YOUR FEET OFF OF THE TABLE!!! NOW, PET IT AND TELL IT YOU’RE SORRY!!! AND SIT DOWN PROPERLY IN THAT CHAIR!!! I MEAN NOW!!!” Let me just tell you, I am never sorry to leave that place.

Fifth period, I went to Mr. Lark’s world lit class. As soon as the bell rang, he asked us to turn in our homework from yesterday. I turned to my friend Bob Shelly, and asked him, what homework? “I don’t know. Mr. Lark! you didn’t assign homework yesterday.” “Yes, that assignment I gave all of you as you were walking out of the door with your backs turned to me. That was homework. You and Chevy didn’t finish it? Well, I guess you’ll get a big, fat Ø then, won’t you?” But Mr. Lark, how could we finish it when we didn’t know we even had it? “I guess that’s your problem. I don’t see anyone else who didn’t finish.” Uh, I beg to differ. There’s me, Bob, Tom Ellis, Coel Johnson, Logo Lexo, and Flint Idsinga. “Well, that’s just not my problem.” During the rest of the class, I worked on some dumb satire essay he assigned after taking roll.

Sixth period, last period of the day, I went to Mr. Lemberger’s chemistry class. We were doing a lab experiment yesterday, and Mr. Lemberger is very strict on lab precautions. We were in the middle of the experiment, and my nose started to itch, so I stepped off to the side, and removed my safety goggles so I could scratch it. Just at that moment, as if he were watching me and waiting for it to happen, Mr. Lemberger snuck up behind me. “Chevy, I want a two-page essay on lab safety.” You’re absolutely right, Mr. Lemberger. I should NEVER remove my safety goggles when working with bubbling, acidic, highly flammable quantities of salt water. And even though I wasn’t involved with the experiment at the time, I know my goggles could have been very useful had a student attempted to smash a beaker in my face. “I’m glad you understand, Chevy, don”t let it happen again.’ We finished the experiment, and finally the bell rang for school to be out. Then the bell rang again… and again… and again…

THE END