Ok, this one really is 100% fictional. Here’s the story behind the story: I get bored, and crazy things pop into my mind. I write them down, and here they are.
See, one time, I was walking along the freeway, I think it was I-34 through New Jersey, and this police officer stopped right by me. I thought to myself: ‘How nice. This officer wants to give me a ride.’ But instead, he walked over to me, took off his belt, and whipped me with it. Well, as you might guess, I was pretty mad. So I jumped into his car, and drove off. Just to spite him, I got on the police radio: “Jones to dispatch. (His name was Jones, I read it on his name tag.) I just encountered a hitchhiker on side of the road, at I-34 and 56 Ave, and when I tried to ticket him, he assaulted me, stole my clothes and my gun, and started shooting. Since I had been disarmed, I got back in my car, and I am currently 3 miles from the scene. Requesting backup. Repeat: Imposter at I-34 and 56th Ave.”
Next, I decided that I didn’t have a use for the police car any more, so I found a cliff, connected a brick to the accelerator, and had the car drive itself into a supermarket. Luckily, since all the cops in the area were out trying to find the imposter, I was able to walk away from the scene undetected. That is, of course, after I bought some milk, bread, and a few frozen pizzas. So, I figured that once the police figured out that I was the real imposter, they would be sort of upset. So, in order to throw them off my trail, I decided to grow a beard. Good thing, too, because the next day, I had to get married to this girl I met in Bellingham one time on a skiing trip. So, when I went to the courthouse to get the paperwork, they had no clue who I was. Ha ha, joke’s on them. Good, cause I needed to get married.
Oh, you’re probably wondering now, why I’m getting married. Well, see it’s like this. Being that I am a member of the Black Panthers, I am required to attend their yearly conference in Atlanta. So, I was at the conference this year, and I stopped by this booth that had a lot of information about flashlight bulbs. Well, since I’m so easily talked into things like that, I bought 5,000 of these revolutionary bulbs. Of course, I wanted to try them out, so I thought, no better place than a ski resort in Northern Washington. So, I left the conference early, and flew to Bellingham.
While I was taking a break at the ski lodge, this beautiful girl came up to me, sat down, took off her shoes, and threw them in the fire. I thought to myself, ‘Wow, she has some real pretty feet.’ So, later that day, back in town, I was at the Taco Bell, and when I picked up my order, I found that it had been switched with someone else’s. Well, I really didn’t want a nacho supreme, I wanted my 7-layer burrito. So, I’m looking around for the person with my order, and there she was: the girl of my dreams. I was so lovestruck that I forgot all about the burrito, and proposed right there. She accepted, and we set February 29th as the day. (Actually, that was my idea, then I only have to remember an anniversary once every four years.
So, ok. With the proposal out of the way, that made dating so much easier. You wouldn’t believe. We had so much fun during the 3 months of our courtship. I had never seen the Eiffel Tower before, and come to think of it, I still haven’t. We went on a road trip throughout the US, that is, until our car broke. Then it was… well, I guess it was still a road trip, but we were just walking. Anyway, once I got the papers, we got married, and decided to move to Australia. Why Australia? Well, we had both seen the movie “Rescuers Down Under” and we really wanted to go down there so we could ride all those giant eagles like in the movie.
All righty… So we’re in Australia, and the weirdest thing happens. Somehow, I got lost one day when I went out to get the paper, and I ended up at the seaport. Well, I figured as long as I was there anyway, I may as well go somewhere, so I called home, told my wife that I would be back in a few days/weeks/months, and got on the first ship. Well, unfortunately for me, it happened to be a ship headed for North Korea. Well, as I’m sure you know, North Korea is well known for their voracious sea turtles. I was really in fear for my life. Well, the boat made it to the harbor somehow, and I was so happy just to be alive, that I headed straight for the nearest fish market and bought me some crab. I love crab…
So, I’m in Korea, and I just finished my crab. Well, suddenly I realized that Northern Korea isn’t such a nice place. So, I figured I should probably get going. The best place I could think of to go was South Korea, so I rented a car, and I started my drive to South Korea. Well, about the time I get to the border, I start seeing all these warning signs, but, since I can’t read Korean, I just figured they said not to bring fruit over the border, like when you go into California. Well, I didn’t have any fruit, so I figured I was safe. Well, darn my luck, my car overheated, just after I entered this nice flat stretch of road into South Korea.
Well, there I am, sitting just miles away from South Korea, with an overheated car. I tried to wait for someone to come and help me, but for some reason, the road was completely deserted. So, I figured, I’m so close, I may as well just walk. As I’m walking along, I keep seeing these strange lumps in the ground. Being bored as I am, I make a game out of avoiding the lumps. It was actually kinda fun. After a few hours, I make it into South Korea, only to be greeted by a group of soldiers with guns. They took me prisoner, and shipped me off to Chile to stand trial. So, while I am sitting in my cell in Chile, I realize that I really have to go. I mean really. So, I got up to ask the guard to let me out, when I realized there was no guard even standing watch. To top it off, the cell door was unlocked.
So, I think to myself, “Well, if they’re dumb enough to leave my cell door unlocked, I’m certainly not so dumb not to leave.” I walk out of the cell, and right out the front door. Unfortunately, the front door was 100 feet underground. I looked around for a while, trying to get my bearings, but considering all there was to light the area was wall torches, I didn’t have much luck there. So I just started walking. I walked for, I think about 3 hours or so, when finally I came across some people. I didn’t figure they spoke any English, and I certainly don’t speak Chilese, so I just sat around for a while to see what was going on. They were doing the strangest thing. It seemed that they had two chickens in some sort of mini-arena, and they were fighting each other for no reason.
Well, as interesting as the chickens were, I really had to get going, because I checked the train schedule before I left the prison, and my train left in an hour. So, I left them to their business, and headed for the pier. When I got there, my train had already left. So, I got on the next boat headed north. Just my luck, the boat happened to be headed for Alaska, and my uncle’s best friend’s sister lives in Alaska. So, the boat takes off, headed for Alaska, and we ran into a bit of trouble. The seas started to get really stormy, and the situation did not appear to be getting any better, so we had to play paper/rock/scissors to determine who was at fault.
Of course someone on board was in fact at fault, so as soon as we found out who it was, we threw them overboard. Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to help. So, I jumped in after her. Well, I didn’t have much luck finding her, probably because she had already swam to shore. So, I swam back to the boat, and as the crewmen lifted me up, I noticed something weird. Everyone on the boat but me had red hair. Well, I got really scared at that, and threw common sense out the window. I jumped right back into the raging seas, and swam as hard as I could toward shore.
I soon got tired of swimming, and decided to try floating on my back for a while. After about 3 days of that nonsense, I finally reached shore. Well, obviously, after having eaten nothing for 3 days, I didn’t really care about where I was, but rather I was interested in getting something to eat. So, I walked around for a while, and soon found a village. Well, luckily the people in the village spoke German, because I wouldn’t have understood them otherwise. They told me that I had landed on the California peninsula, and the best way back to Australia, so I thanked them and left. Well, I got into the yacht that they had given me, and headed towards Australia. I really was beginning to miss my wife.
Well, would you believe it, but after only 5 hours out to sea, I run into a terrible storm. It was almost as bad as the movies, where those ships get thrown all over. Lucky for me, however, I was in a “future yacht.” This thing was able to suddenly encase itself (like the Batmobile), and then turn into a submarine. Once I got under water, the storm really didn’t matter at all. You know, that reminds me of this man who used to cook deluxe burgers at my college. His name was Storm. What a great guy. One time, there was a huge fire in the kitchen in back, and nobody could find a fire extinguisher. Well, Storm just lept right up onto the fire, smothering it. Too bad I don’t have any real need to do that right now. It sounds like a real fun thing to do. Oh well.
Continued whenever I next get bored…