Black Hole Battles

Preface:
Some things just seem a lot funnier when you are a high school sophomore.

Return of the Bolo
Episode 437

Characters

  • Narrator
  • Duke Skycrawler
  • Princess Allah
  • Garth the Caterer
  • Hands Como

Narrator:

“Not long ago in a galaxy near, near by there was a young Bolo Master named Duke Skycrawler. This galaxy is controlled by a conspiracy which is mastered by Duke. Well, he thinks, but really he’s just a disgruntled postal worker for the U.S. Postal Service turned psycho-maniac custodian for the conspiracy.” “In the Mobi Desert on the Planet Zork, Galaxy M-52a beta, time 12:01pm PST, Allah and Duke are walking through the desert to rescue Hands Como from the Clutches of the anti-evil Garth the Caterer who kidnapped Hands and is forcing him to sample fine cuisine after he tried to steal his secret recipe for Bolo meat-balls…”

Garth:
“So, you like my recipes so much, do you? Here, try this one: Chicken in teriyaki sauce!”

Hands:
“No, noooooo! No more chicken!!!”

Garth:
“All right, no more chicken. Time for dessert! Asparagus flavored Jell-O!”

Hands:
“I thought you were righteous! You’re nothing but a sick, twisted gourmet chef!”

Garth:
(As he shoves the Jell-O into Hands’ mouth.) “Thank you, I do what I can.”

Hands:
MMMPPPPGGHHHH!

Narrator:
“And now, back to Duke and Allah!”

Duke:
“You know, I’ve always felt a special bond between us, Allah.”

Allah:
(Seductively) “I know what you mean. I feel it too.”

Duke:
(Complaining) “How much farther?”

Allah:
“Quit your complaining. We must save Hands from the righteous cook Garth the Caterer.” (They reach the door, knock, and without waiting for an answer, let themselves in. Eventually, they reach a kitchen where Garth is cooking a seven course dinner.)

Garth:
“Ah, I’ve been expecting you… Please, come in. Try some of my excellent new Jell-O.”

Duke:
“Never! I know full well that Jell-O is flavored like asparagus! I could smell it the second I walked in the door!”

Allah:
“Asparagus! Oh my! Save me Duke!” (She faints. Garth chuckles.)

Garth:
“Asparagus? It’s not true! I swear it!”

Duke:
“Oh… Okay… Give us Hands!”

Garth:
“Never!”

Duke:
“Well then, I guess that leaves us only one option.”

Garth:
“Paper football?”

Duke:
(Seriously) “You got it. To the death!” (Duke and Garth go at it violently. Both equal at the skill of paper football.) “Yes, I win! 21 to 18, wow! Well, see you later. Thanks for the game.” (He picks up Allah and starts walking away. He gets to the door and suddenly stops.) “I feel the Ecrof pulling me to press my memo button.” (He pushes it and it talks.)

Memo:
“You eeediot! You forgot to get Hands!”

Duke:
“Oh! Thanks wonder memo taking thingy!”

Narrator:
“Duke drops Allah and goes back to Garth’s kitchen to retrieve Hands.”

Hands:
“Thanks for saving me pal!” (He races off. Duke goes back to where he dropped Allah, who is now conscious, and they embark on their journey home.)

Allah:
“You’re my hero! I love you Duke.”

Duke:
“Oh… Thanks. I like you too.”

Allah:
“Duke, let’s get married right now.”

Duke:
“I would, but my shift started a half an hour ago, so I’m already late.”

Allah:
“No… Now! Take me now!”

Duke:
“Where?”

Allah:
“Let’s go back to Garth, maybe he will marry us.” (They return to Garth’s kitchen.) “Garth, will you marry us?”

Garth:
(Laughing a righteous laugh) “Sure… Why not?”

Duke:
“What’s so funny? Well never mind, can you kinda’ hurry, I’m late for work!”

Garth:
“Sure, no problem. Oh, and I’ll tell you later what I was laughing at.”

Narrator:
“Garth marries the couple. Duke goes to work, and gets chewed out by his boss. He comes home late, but Allah is still waiting up for him… The next morning, the communicator rings. Duke answers.”

Duke:
“Hello?”

Garth:
“Hi Duke, this is Garth. I just thought I’d call to tell you what was so funny yesterday.”

Duke:
“Okay, I’m listening.”

Garth:
“There has always been a special bond between you and Allah.”

Duke:
“Hey, we were just talking about that yesterday before you married us. We both felt it.”

Garth:
“Well, I think there is something you ought to know about that special feeling.”

Duke:
“Yeah, go on.”

Garth:
“Well, I’m not sure how to say this.”

Duke:
“Just tell me already!!!”

Garth:
“Well… Ah… You will probably hate me for this, and I really should have told you yesterday, but it was so funny (He laughs out loud again.) (Fast and slurred) You and Allah are brother and sister and I’m your father. Bye. (Garth hangs up.)

Narrator:
“Duke sits with a look of astonishment on his face which soon turns to a sly smirk.”

THE END

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